Addison, Whidbey Island

After we drove across Whidbey Island and walked on the sand and climbed rocks and cliffs, while we sat in the car in the rain on the ferry home, Addie shared some beautiful, brave words: about

darkness,

and losing hope,

and finding hope,

and stubborn courage.

Here is a mighty spirit.

 

 

"I remember when I decided I was moving, it felt right in my heart, not because I knew Seattle would be home, but because I knew that I needed to go my own way."

 

 

"I wasn’t really scared to be on my own. I always knew that I would figure it out from there."

 

 

"The truth is, I’ve never had great self-esteem: I’ve

always,

always

picked myself apart,

and it wasn’t only something like, I don’t like my knees,

it was more than that." 

 

 

"I was taking myself for granted because I’m too shy, or I think my personality is flawed."

 

 

"But I’m learning to love those bad thoughts, too."

 

 

"Let me explain this:

I was depressed, and when you’re in that state of mind it’s hard to accept bad thoughts for anything but the truth."

 

 

"But I was strong,

and I willed myself out of something that once made me say, 'Is this how I’m always going to feel, forever?'"

 

 

"I decided to pick myself back up

and I bought myself a plane ticket to Europe,

and I started to head in the right direction."

 

 

"I started thinking about it like, I’m sad

and there’s nothing I can do about it right now, 

so I’m going to embrace it."

 

 

"I think the biggest hurt of all is knowing that right now Seattle is where I need to be, and unfortunately that means being away from the people I love most."

 

 

"When I left home, I remember me and my mom not getting along. She had her questions and I was stubborn and I treated her like she wasn’t the most important person in my life. 

That was my mistake, because she is and she always will be."

 

 

"My mom was always there.

My mom is my best friend."

 

 

"I learned because of that how to acknowledge the people you care for deeply:

my mom wasn’t trying to persuade me not to move, she was just showing me that she cared enough to voice her concerns."

 

 

"And I’ve learned to show people I care, too:

by listening."

 

 

"The truth is, it’s hard to stay connected to so many people. I feel guilty for not being there for every event of my siblings.

Every milestone.

I missed my brother's graduation, and I cried about that just three days ago."

 

 

"But my heart is open: I’m still trying."

 

 

"I have learned one thing and that’s that I have a really big heart,

and sometimes having

a big heart means

I hurt a lot."

 

 

"And this is why I’m thankful for those thoughts, those

terrible awful thoughts that make me feel worthless: 

 

 

those thoughts are now what remind me that I’m really, truly happy,

and I'm human,

and I'm not perfect,

and that’s beautiful."

 

Danielle ShullComment